Spenser stretched his arms in legs, he was sitting in his Blue 2005 Neon listen to an overly excited radio announcer tell everyone about the possibility of aliens (this part is actually ok, because your simply describing what radio station you are listening to while alone.) , while waiting for Kyra. (This part is bad, because your character doesnt know kyra, and you never asked her via pm, or messenger etc. if your character and hers could know each other. This actually forces her char to already know yours in some way, and tries to force the storyline.)
"Whats taking so long?" he asked himself as he looked at his watch seeing that another hour had gone by. "I should start charging a bordem fee." He was nearly asleep when he began to hear footsteps outside the car. "Finally," he said to himself. (this part is bad because you are trying to control the story, < with the hearing footsteps part> which is 100% the gm's duty. You just be concerned with your own char, and let the gm weave the tale ;) )
a young boy walked the streets, alone. he looked harmless, frail even, but his boots hit the floor with determination, and his eyes burned with red fire. He doubted he would find what he was looking for here, but somthing inside of him, somthing.... evil.... thinking, told him to look. He involuntarily looked down at his right arm. this hand was slightly larger than the other, slightly sharper. he saw the scar on his arm, it had come above the gauntlet. (very good role playing there!)
is it growing? the boy wondered to himself. no. that was a ridiculous thought, and he cast it away in the chill night wind. he pulled his ragged cloak about him to keep himself from the cold, and pressed on to find the answers to his questions, the solution to his problem.
Silverspear wandered the streets to find a way to bring his clan from the dead, and to kill the demon who did it.
(again very good)
Spenser sat up in his seat "You know you take forev....." He stoped in mid sentence as he turned to see a magnum aimed at his head. ".........I take it your not the one im waiting for." (This is bad because you are trying to control the story. Its the gm's job to do that. Anotherwords, the gm will tell you what others do to you, etc..)
Spenser was lead roughly down a pitch black tunnel, well thats as far as he could tell with the blind fold over his eyes. Soon he was tossed into a cell, and the blind fold was removed. Spenser looked around, it looked like your everyday jail cell, against the eastern wall was a cot, against the western wall was a toilet with a sink. The man that had lead Spenser was a tall man with short black hair and a scar on his neck. The man locked the cell door and walked down the stone hallway and through a steel door.
"Well this sucks" said Spenser as the door opend again and another man came in leading what would be come Spenser's roommate by her arm.
(here we have controlling npc's controlling the story. Now remember people we are only doing this so that we can all learn together, the proper way to role play.) :-s
"Hey Kyra" said Spenser when the guards left, "been sitting in here for about an hour waiting for you" he continued as he got up and walked the the prision bars, putting his arm through them to make sure it fit, then repeated with his leg. Soon a burly guard walked in holding a food tray, with a key hooked on his belt. when the man came up to the cell door Spenser quickly reached out attempting to put his hand behind the guards head and pin him against the bars and choke the life out of him by pinching his windpipe closed.
(while this story telling is very talented, its still out of the characters ability. The stories should only be told by the gm. This pretty much has placed the gm in a tight spot, forcing her to write all this into the story she has for us. WOOT good storytelling skills though :D)
